Worry

I am worried that I worry. See, I worry too much! Are you one of those people that have been told all of your life “you worry too much”? I am. My name is Holly and I am a worrier.

I am not proud of being a worrier, though I do recognize its benefits from time to time. If I didn’t worry about passing my classes, I wouldn’t pass them. If I didn’t worry about keeping friends, I wouldn’t have them. If I didn’t worry about my roommate getting her rent money to me on time, I wouldn’t have any. Obviously, worry seems to serve a Darwinian purpose of motivating survival. However, maybe all those “worry” words should really be replaced with the word “care” (e.g. “If I didn’t care about keeping friends, I wouldn’t have them.”) I am beginning to think “worry” is really unnecessary, yet… how can one keep from it? How do you?

Today’s events inspired me to write this blog.

During my group meeting today for one of my classes, I said something really stupid. I did not intend for what I said to come off the way it did, but it did – even to me after I said it. It was really dumb and ill worded, but there was no going back. Later, I called my group members and apologized for having come off as I did. I sincerely felt bad. After calling, I went to bed because what do I do when I feel upset about something? I sleep. But this time I couldn’t sleep.

What did I do? I began worrying about everything else that was indirectly related… Will I be a good counselor? Probably not. Am I going to do well in my field placement this summer? Doubtful. Will I be able to get all my hours in? I doubt it. Something, a typhoon or Ebola or some unexpected holiday, will occur and I won’t be able to get those hours in. You just never know.

Then, when I decided to get up out of bed, my mind was set to its “excessive worry, on the verge of paranoia” position. I get out of bed, come to my computer, check my e-mail, etc. Later, I see my friend, from my group from that class, had posted a new blog. I go to check it. One part of their blog talked about how a friend can say one wrong thing (i.e., a lie) and the whole friendship could be over. Well, my worrying immediately turned into paranoia and I thought “Is that blog about me? They must think I was lying about being sorry.” So, as irrational as my thinking was, I sat at my computer for about five minutes feeling really bad, again, at having said that dumb thing in the first place earlier in the day...

Paranoid, I was certain the blog was about me so I called my friend and said something like “The blog you just wrote is about me isn’t it? I really am sorry for what I said today.” My friend swore on our friendship that the blog had nothing at all to do with me. Immediately I believed them (the whole “swear on our friendship” thing is a serious deal) and felt relieved that it wasn’t about me… but at the same time (besides feeling kind of stupid) I felt really bad, again (and thus the cycle of worry continued). Why did I feel bad again? Because I feel like I should have had more faith in my friend. I guess I should have known from the start that the blog wasn’t about me. But… how was I supposed to know? It was all so coincidental. Which brings me to my new thought for the day…

Do some things actually happen as the result of coincidence? I have never believed in coincidence. I believe everything happens for a reason. This gives meaning to life. So who knows? Maybe God makes coincidence happen for a reason. What reason? I don’t know. Maybe to make us realize how we are sometimes, who we are sometimes, and how we can grow in certain areas…

Maybe realizing I worry too much, too often, is a start.

Recent Thoughts & Occurances: Part III

• Last night my brother told me a very disturbing story about my cat (his old cat). Apparently it got in a fight once with another cat and scratched the other cat's eyes out. That's just scary. I don't like thinking about the fact that there is a potentially violent 4-legged creature roaming around in my apartment (especially while I sleep)!
• Today I began "round one" of interviews for my summer internship at a local hospital. I hope I get it! I've already been approved for it by one person. Anyway, it will be a lot of responsibility (more than just a desk job -- though they did say I'd get my own desk... hee hee... we'll just have to see if I get the internship first of all).
• Some of my duties would be helping with discharge planning, helping to conduct psychosocial assessments of clients, doing various jobs in the neo-natal intensive care unit, working with post-partum depression, helping with adoptions, attending support groups, accompanying the director to staff meetings, etc.
• I worry that I'll get lost a lot in that place. It's big!
• And I will have to take an elevator everyday. Man -- that dang thing was soooo slow and I was in it all alone. Do cell phones work from elevators incase the elevator phone doesn't work? Probably not. I need to know these things!
• Other than that, things are okay I guess.
• Oh, and it was kinda cool that the social workers wore white doctorish jackets there!
• Another one of Saint Malachy's (1094 a.d.-1148 a.d.) Papal Prophecies appears to have been fulfilled yesterday with the election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI). What was the latin motto given to him by Malachy? It was "Gloria Olivae," meaning "The Glory of the Olive." Ratzinger chose the name "Benedict XVI" in honor of Saint Benedict. The Order of Saint Benedict is also known as the "Olivetans." Remember "Glory of the Olive"? Oddly, too, this Order has, for centuries, claimed that this pope (the supposed pope at the beginning of the tribulation) would be from their ranks. Hmm. I am not sure if Ratzinger is a member of The Order of Saint Benedict, though Brian Williams of NBC news, I believe, announced that Ratzinger indeed is a member, but whatever the case he chose the Benedictine name. Oh well, it's all interesting.
• Part II of the movie "Revelations" comes on in 10 minutes!
• I wish I spoke Spanish. All I know is "Hola!" (okay, maybe a wee bit more than that).
• Today I went to Old Navy and bought a new pair of jeans and... I liked them in the store but now that I look at them more closely I am like "What the heck was I thinking?" Oh well, I got a cool dressy-shirt and a sweet pair of khaki pants. They have some good sales right now... dressy shirt, dressy pants, a pair of jeans: $56.00 -- I am going back for more soon.
• I might add more to this post later tonight. So, keep an eye out!

Papal Prophecies of Saint Malachy

Tonight I decided to read up a little bit on prophecies surrounding the Pope. I stumbled upon some strange information...

Note: Yesterday, on the day Pope John Paul II was officially laid to rest, there was a solar eclipse of the sun. The eerie part of this? Read on...

I came upon several sites discussing the ancient papal prophecies of Saint Malachy (1094 a.d. -1148 a.d.). Malachy, in his prochecies, gave 111 latin "mottos" (though some sites say it was 112) to each of the Pope's stretching from his time up until the last pope (the pope at the end of times). Strangely, the second to last pope, according to Malachy, would be the one that is going to be elected this April... a little less than two weeks from now.

So, what was the motto given by Malachy to the person that turned out to be Pope John Paul II? It was "De Labore Solis," which is latin for "Of the eclipse of the sun," or "From the toil of the sun." Which is odd not only because there was a solar eclipse of the sun on the day Pope John Paul II was officially laid to rest, but also because there was an offical eclipse recorded on the very day he was born. On May 18, 1920, the largest partial solar eclipse of the 20th century occured at a magnitude of 0.9734 (click here for more info).

Are these signs that these prophecies may be coming true? Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. Is there such thing as coincedence or is there purpose behind it all? As for the whole thing about the "end of times" pope being elected in two weeks, I'm very skeptical. Although Malachy was a Christian as well as a Saint, according to the Bible [in reference to the second coming] "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven" (Matthew 24: 36). He will come like a theif in the night.

Then again, I suppose these prophecies could have some truth to them yet still tell us nothing about that day and hour.

Or... it could all just be a bunch of bologna.

Still, 'tis interesting to think about.

Why Soap Operas?

Have any of you ever looked at a word like "opera" or "spoon" and thought to yourself, "My that word looks funny"? So weird! Oh well, that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about... (you guessed it)...

Soap Operas! *crowd goes wild... or not*

My name is Holly and I'm a soap watcher.

Although I'm a soap watcher, I'm really not addicted (although the above statement may have lead you to believe otherwise). Unlike some people, I could care less whether or not I ever get to see another episode of Days of Our Lives again. However, I still watch the show when I happen to catch it on and, occasionally, I like to check in online at SoapCity to find out the latest happenings on the show. All the while, deep down I find myself pondering the question of "Why?" Why do I even care what is going on in the lives of Bo, Hope, Shawn, Belle, Mimi, Rex, and the rest of the bunch in the Salem bubble? It's really all quite perplexing.

Though it is solely my humble opinion, I've always thought the quality of the acting in soap operas is just "so-so." Nothing too special. So, if it's not for the acting that I enjoy the show, what is it for?

At first I was afraid. I was terrified. To think that I could... Oh wait. We were talking about soaps. Sorry. Just making sure you were paying attention! Anyway, back to why I may enjoy these shows! Have any of you ever noticed how utterly slow the story lines of soaps are? One week a character will have a serious issue arise (e.g. "Who should I sleep with next?") and begin debating what to do about it. Six weeks later, they're still debating. Nothing too new. It's so, um, annoying... if one watches the show everyday. What I like about soap operas is that I can pick up five or six weeks later on the show and still not have missed too much. It's like free TiVo, but not really TiVo. This still, however, doesn't answer the question of why I bother watching such shows in the first place.

I guess one answer to this question of "why?" is that soaps can be a nice, fictional get away from the "real" world. Yes, most soaps resemble real life events but hardly real life itself. Afterall, how many towns are there where everyone is related to each other (okay, scratch that!), everyone is stereotypically gorgeous, everyone is exceedingly wealthy, etc.?

Watching soaps is basically just like reading a juicy novel where one just has to find out what happens next but is forced to wait (either because of slow reading, fast reading but still not finishing, sleepiness, a "to be continued," etc.) - don't you just hate that? Waiting. And, even if the story's not that juicy, there's almost always that feeling of wanting to know what happens next. Soaps are a constant tease!

Still, all these answers to my questions are not enough. I am still not completely certain of "why?" I find interest in such shows...

I guess the world may never know!

Recent Thoughts & Occurances: Part 2

• My younger brother stayed with me this week. Last night, it was so funny. I was on the computer in here and he came in here, after getting out of the bathroom, to tell me something. Just seconds later, we heard my roommate go into the bathroom and close the door. Suddenly my brother got this very concerned look on his face. I said, "What's wrong?" and he said, "I can't remember if I flushed the toilet." LOL! So, a few seconds later the bathroom door opened and my roommate stuck her head out and said "Did somebody have a problem in the bathroom?" Embarrassed, my brother said, "Oh crap! I am SO sorry about that" (after trying to deny it at first and blame it on me, of course) and went in there and flushed it. My roommate should have stopped asking questions right then and there (since that kinda thing can be a rather touchy subject) but then she asked him, "Why was there so much toilet paper in there?" LOL... Well, he DID just go to the bathroom in it and sometimes people DO wipe.
• Bless Terri Schiavo, The Pope, and all the others in the world who passed away this week.
• I actually understand a little bit about conclave and the process of electing a new Pope thanks to recently having read Dan Brown's book, "Angels & Demons." It is a very serious deal. Constant monitoring for bugs (not insects) in the chapel. No Cardinals can return to their homelands, nor have contact with the outside world (as in a large jury trial), until a new Pope has been elected (I think it has to be a 2/3 majority vote). They must carefully elect the next man to lead the world's largest Christian denomination. I cannot even fathom having such a responsibility as the Pope's. Imagine being THE person leading the world's LARGEST Christian denomination!
• Hearing the bells toll across Vatican City right now in announcing the Pope's death is an eerie, yet peaceful, piece of history to witness (thanks to tv).
• Speaking of tv, today I watched a little of the NASDAQ-100 Open tennis tournament (Clijsters vs. Sharapova). Lately I've thought about posting flyers up here in the complex I live in, and maybe at school, saying I am looking for a person to play tennis with occasionally. Is this a bad idea? I would hope someone would respond that has at least picked up a racket before. Oh well. I am not even sure I'd be motivated to stick with playing anyway.
• Also, I need to post flyers for the computer scanner I have for sale. Anyone need a nice new, never been used, computer scanner that stands? Yeah, didn't think so. I would use it but I already have a scanner.
• Today I was informed that I am nowhere near as messy as my sister [was, and maybe is]. That makes me happy.
• My mom has her total knee replacement surgery this tuesday. She'll be in the hospital, right down the road from me, until around friday. Apparently it's a major operation. They will be cutting her whole knee out and putting a new, artificial one in. It will be good for up to 10 years. Immediately following surgery, they will have to place an electronic device on her knee that constantly bends her leg up and down. This prevents blood clotting - which is not too uncommon with knee surgery. Anyway, I've got to come up with a cool gift to give her. Any suggestions?
• Why is it that I tend to worry about things the most when I am laying in bed?
• Early this morning, I checked the headlines on my favorite news website. The photograph on the front page was of some people standing outside in Vatican City praying for the Pope. I noticed there is a stange image of an angel/ghost standing near the people that are praying. Also, up close, it looks somewhat like Jesus. The picture does not look to be edited to have a "ghost" put there. I e-mailed the site, which doesn't respond to individual e-mails, to ask them if that picture was edited to look that way. I was hoping they'd make an exception and respond but they haven't. If you want to see it, let me know!
• Well, that's all for now. I may update this later on today after I have reached my goal of finishing my part of the PowerPoint presentation (over "[Interventions for] Children & Adolescents Greiving from the Loss of a Loved One"... really wish we'd shorten the title... lol) that I am supposed to e-mail my group members.
• Oh, one more thing, I had a fun April Fool's day this year! Hee Hee.