Friday, March 25, 2005

Feeling "Close" to Someone

I'm desperate for advice.

Is something wrong with me?


Today I was playing pool (aka. "putting off homework") when this incredibly depressing feeling came over me (I hate this feeling and it hasn't visited me in quite some time). But anyway, it came about shortly after my aunt called me to ask me what we were doing for my brother when he gets here tomorrow (he is just getting out of the prison system). She said we need to have a celebration for him to show him that we're here for him and love him. It was really nice and I agreed that we should...

But, deep down, I felt guilty. I feel guilty because I don't feel as close to my brother anymore like I once did. When she said "celebration," I thought it was nice but I just didn't feel the joy and love that I could hear in my aunt's voice (her joy to the fact that he is getting out). To me, having my brother come stay with me this week seems as if I am having to make a new relationship with a total stranger. None of us have "known" Ben these past few years. I hate what drugs do to people. Anyway, is there something wrong with me for feeling so "blunted" about the whole situation? Despite being a pretty emotional person, I worry about this lack of emotion in these areas...

When my grandma died in June, I honestly wasn't sad at all. I don't think I cried one tear. Is this unusual? When she died, I was not sad at all because, at the time, I recognized that she was 94 years old and in a lot of pain and that death was something near and inevitable. I believe she went to Heaven. Maybe things would have been harder for me had her memory been in tact over the past few years and had her kidneys not failed. I think the fact that we hadn't had a coherent conversation for about two years before her death made me feel not as close to her when she did die. I still, of course, love my grandma and I miss seeing her but still...

Is there something wrong with me? Should I maybe be feeling something "more" from all this? Why is it that there are some people in our lives that we (a) feel so close to and, when we do depart, we still feel close despite the time and distance (aka. high school friends you're still in touch with) and others that we (b) feel so close to, then depart, and then don't feel close to them anymore after a certain amount of time (aka. my brother)? Is this just me? Have you ever experienced "a" and/or "b"? For those people in category "b" that we no longer feel close to, does that mean that we didn't love them enough to begin with? or maybe that we did but that time simply changed things?

What do you think?

Monday, March 21, 2005

"It is Wise to Always Err on the Side of Life"

Life or Death? Husband or Parents? God or Man? The Terri Schiavo case definitely carries with it many perplexing questions. I have to admit that, in cases similar to this one, I often don’t have a solid answer. Often, I battle between siding with what I think is “logical” (i.e. take her off the feeding tube -- she’s brain dead and expert physicians themselves have said there is no hope for her recovery) and what I believe through my Christian faith (i.e. leave her life in God’s hands). I’ve debated my feelings on the Schiavo case and I have tentatively decided that I am on the side of Schiavo’s parents (not that I need to take a side, yet I feel rather compelled).

President Bush made a beautiful comment the other night following his emergency signing of the bill allowing Shiavo’s parents permission to ask a federal judge to prolong her life by reinserting her feeding tube. He stated, “This is a complex case with serious issues, but in extraordinary circumstances like this, it is wise to always err on the side of life.” This is so true – for this particular case. One of Schiavo’s brothers, I read, indicated that Terri is making subtle facial expressions which are indicative of her still being “with it” to some extent. Furthermore, despite what doctors have said, Schiavo’s parents still believe there is hope for their daughter’s recovery. I say, “If in doubt about life, don’t throw it out.” So long as Terri Schiavo is unable to communicate her desires and so long as there are subtle facial expressions like her brother and other family members have seen, I don’t think there is any question that one should rule in favor of prolonging life. In a way, my feelings on this case tend to resemble my feelings about abortion. If there is any doubt [about life], don’t throw the life out.

Yes, Florida will not allow her husband the divorce he deserves, but that is by no means a better reason to end a life whose future is uncertain. People I’ve talked to have been angry that the government has gotten involved in this whole mess and I can understand where they are coming from – “let families deal with their own problems and government mind their own business” – but I, for some reason, believe it was necessary in the Schiavo case for the government to intervene as the third party. Life is nothing to be taken lightly. Even if the ruling in the Schiavo case will not extend to other cases, I believe it is a landmark event that has gotten a lot of people thinking.

One more thing before I end this, someone else told me “Schiavo’s parents must not really love their daughter if they’d allow her to go on like that.” This could be, but I beg to disagree. Love may be an easy thing to feel, but it can also be one of the most complicated feelings in the world, especially where life and death are concerned.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

The Force of Change

I'm turning 24 this August. I'll be half done with my Master's degree. I'll be over a year out of undergrad. Friends are getting married all over the place. People are gettin' their jobs on. Sometimes I find myself wishing it all wasn't happening so fast!

I've known good change
and I've known bad change.
I've known penny change
and I've known paramount change.
At times I've loved it
and at other times I've despised it.
What I know now is that...
change never changes.

So many of us spend our lives
trying to get a life of our own.
We go new places,
meet new people;
these become the things we love.
When things are done here
we move on along,
never forgetting yet always moving on.

A new cycle of life begins once again,
the old one left to memory.
We cope with these moves saying,
"Change is inevitable."
But why? Why must it be inevitable?

Why can't change be changed?
Why must we move?
Why must we search?
Why must we grow up?
Why must the ones we love...
our family, our friends, ourselves...
Why must we often depart?

I guess the answer is easy for some;
For this is how the ball bounces.
For everything happens for a reason.
For we all have a time that we must go.

For all those who cling to those moments
that they wish never to let go...

Written by. Holly H.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Boy How I Miss Being Tanned & Toned


Those were the days Posted by Hello

I had dark skin. I had muscular legs...

I really need to start playing tennis again.