Worry

I am worried that I worry. See, I worry too much! Are you one of those people that have been told all of your life “you worry too much”? I am. My name is Holly and I am a worrier.

I am not proud of being a worrier, though I do recognize its benefits from time to time. If I didn’t worry about passing my classes, I wouldn’t pass them. If I didn’t worry about keeping friends, I wouldn’t have them. If I didn’t worry about my roommate getting her rent money to me on time, I wouldn’t have any. Obviously, worry seems to serve a Darwinian purpose of motivating survival. However, maybe all those “worry” words should really be replaced with the word “care” (e.g. “If I didn’t care about keeping friends, I wouldn’t have them.”) I am beginning to think “worry” is really unnecessary, yet… how can one keep from it? How do you?

Today’s events inspired me to write this blog.

During my group meeting today for one of my classes, I said something really stupid. I did not intend for what I said to come off the way it did, but it did – even to me after I said it. It was really dumb and ill worded, but there was no going back. Later, I called my group members and apologized for having come off as I did. I sincerely felt bad. After calling, I went to bed because what do I do when I feel upset about something? I sleep. But this time I couldn’t sleep.

What did I do? I began worrying about everything else that was indirectly related… Will I be a good counselor? Probably not. Am I going to do well in my field placement this summer? Doubtful. Will I be able to get all my hours in? I doubt it. Something, a typhoon or Ebola or some unexpected holiday, will occur and I won’t be able to get those hours in. You just never know.

Then, when I decided to get up out of bed, my mind was set to its “excessive worry, on the verge of paranoia” position. I get out of bed, come to my computer, check my e-mail, etc. Later, I see my friend, from my group from that class, had posted a new blog. I go to check it. One part of their blog talked about how a friend can say one wrong thing (i.e., a lie) and the whole friendship could be over. Well, my worrying immediately turned into paranoia and I thought “Is that blog about me? They must think I was lying about being sorry.” So, as irrational as my thinking was, I sat at my computer for about five minutes feeling really bad, again, at having said that dumb thing in the first place earlier in the day...

Paranoid, I was certain the blog was about me so I called my friend and said something like “The blog you just wrote is about me isn’t it? I really am sorry for what I said today.” My friend swore on our friendship that the blog had nothing at all to do with me. Immediately I believed them (the whole “swear on our friendship” thing is a serious deal) and felt relieved that it wasn’t about me… but at the same time (besides feeling kind of stupid) I felt really bad, again (and thus the cycle of worry continued). Why did I feel bad again? Because I feel like I should have had more faith in my friend. I guess I should have known from the start that the blog wasn’t about me. But… how was I supposed to know? It was all so coincidental. Which brings me to my new thought for the day…

Do some things actually happen as the result of coincidence? I have never believed in coincidence. I believe everything happens for a reason. This gives meaning to life. So who knows? Maybe God makes coincidence happen for a reason. What reason? I don’t know. Maybe to make us realize how we are sometimes, who we are sometimes, and how we can grow in certain areas…

Maybe realizing I worry too much, too often, is a start.